Sometimes its love.. not crush.. but still one sided love

He said he wanted to kill me.. I was not surprised.. I had known it for years.. But this time he came with a knife.. A big black butcher's knife..

I imagined a dead me.. The usually coiled intestine lying uncoiled.. He is splattering the blood.. Looking dirty.. unshaven.. parched lips.. neck glistening with perspiration.. Smelling of his masculinity.. Exactly like in those moments of love making.. A fetish for my stomach.. Everything I imagined turned me on.. but he was here to kill me..

Should I kiss him?? He looks irresistible sometimes.. Today was one of those days..

His eternal masculinity , that towering presence.. everything was creating a "Sorry presence" .. Was he crying?? For me?? He possesses me.. Then why this wail..

I kept staring.. His eyes said You never surrender..

His face said I love you thats reason enough to kill you.. And I'm man enough to kill you..

The convulsion of love, jealousy can KILL YOU! You know it sometimes exudes poison..

I was a bottle of wine he would say.. Drink me , dry me and then keep the bottle to show-off..
For me he was solid.. How can I drink.. :(
I clutched my own hands.. face in my bosom.. wailing like a child.. I always think of electrifying ideas to "create a sense of surrender"..

I don't know why he chose a black knife.. his colour was always blue..
Strange!
Strange why he would kill me with knife.. He could poison me..

I questioned him and before that I got the answer in his masculinity.. He is MALE after all.. He can't kill me in cowardly ways.. He has to face IT.. face ME..

Will he take out my heart to feel it..?? After all he once "loved" it.. Will he cry for me.. ??

He said lets go out.. we sat at our favourite place.. Loneliness was what he loved.. Of-course after you he always said..
He was talking.. I was looking into his eyes.. I overheard his last phrase "You were never mine.. I kept looking for you"..

That night he slept humming a song.. A beautiful romantic one..
In the morning he gave me a hug.. I was averse...

He started pacing the room up and down.. I knew this is the "Attack of love".. I kissed him and he was normal.. He came to me and shouted "I'm killing you right now.."
I was thinking where would he pierce first.. How fast would the blood gush out..
Some drops will splatter on his lower lip.. His lips are always parched.. Will he lick it?? Can he feel my smell in that?? Will he cry?? Will he then understand what is love??

I opened my eyes.. His petrified eyes struck me.. I held him.. took his face to my bosom.. He was crying.. This was THE MOMENT for me..

I was ecstatic..

Blood was on my lower lip. I licked it and he was saying "This is surrender"

One love is all she needs.. :(

Hold it.. No.. Breathe.. Deep breaths.. More deeper..

Her hands with overgrown full of dirt n filth nails.. With shiny metallic fingers..These hands into her womb.. Pulled that beautiful thing out..

In blood..she looked beautiful.. She kissed her..

Now a grown up girl..

Grown-up Girl?? Now how do u segregate a grown up from a kiddo girl??
Hmm.. Well when only some people try to touch..Then a kiddo..
When most of them want to fondle.. A Grown-Up..
pretty simple..Right!!

People said they haven't seen a girl like her..She was free flowing..She was spontaneous..She was LIFE..

After that day .. :( :( inferiority complex setting in..gripping her.. strangulating her.. killing her..

She wants to be loved.. To be felt..To be cared for..

But she knows.. Knows that she is just not destined to be loved..she is too bad to be loved..she just doesn't deserves to be loved..
Even if someone loves her..She knows eventually he WILL leave her..Alone..
The Verdict : She is not programmed to be loved..

She'll die.. a lonely death..

Her only wish is to prove herself wrong. She really really wish to be loved..
The Reason : That day!! Not obsessed with love..but That Day!!

And She Flew Away..

She tried to navigate a little. He completely overpowered her. She can feel his warm breath , he tried to fondle with her breasts. She wanted to kiss the world , he wanted to kiss everyone , everyone which may or may not include her..

Who was "she" , who was "he". She has no identity , maybe she is faceless , No maybe she just want to hide her face.. But why . He never does this..

So?? So what.. This is a male-centric world..You can not expect She to be up above "he" ..
Ah you said missionary position.. Nah.you better get your facts right.. Some "he-s" have problem in that as well..

Ok PEACE.. Tell me something..
Did she idealised anyone??

Ummm.. No.. Not exactly.. But yes.. "He always wanted her to epitomise Meera.. And she did try..
Tried for 6 years..
Tried for 6 long years..
Tried for 6 long imprisoned years..
Tried for 6 long imprisoned prtended-love years..

Meera.. woman who loved his man to the point of worshipping..Never expected anything in return.. Saint Meera..
Saint "She"

He loved Saint "She"
He wanted to be Krishna -the God..

He wants to hit She and then kiss her..
He likes to see She suffocating..
He likes to see She take control of TV Remote..Just TV remote..
TV Remote..
Coz she is fit for that only!!!!

But SHE just wants to break free.. Fly Away..
This time she flew away..

But I have heard they are conspiring.. conspiring to strangulate her..abuse her..

He once said while ziping up ... You are nothing but a piece of shit..
F*#k Off!!

A Second Chance??

Just now I was chatting with a friend.. And he asked me "Are you still with him??"
Pat came the reply frome me "Kind of"
Discussion about him ended there but then I started thinking - What the F***k..What am I doing??

I should have said No.Not at all..I cant be with a person who treated me as a crap.

Around two weeks back I called him and he replied "Move On"..And I was trying to move on..

And suddenly three days back he calls me and says SORRY and I'm all for him again..I again start waiting for his calls..I dont leave my phone anywhere.I'm again forwarding those mushy lovey-dovey messages to him..I'm planning my future again with him..

Am I again building a glass castle only to be broken..or should I trust him one more time just to be let down again , just to be thrashed again, to be left again all by myself ..

Am I losing my self-respect??I need to find out these answers before I succumb to him again..
I dont want to lose myself again just to feed his ego..